This post is for 2 types of people. First it’s for those that have or will have someone in their life that experiences a miscarriage. If that’s you, my hope is that after you read this, you’ll feel more confident in the words you choose as you comfort your loved one.
It’s also for those who have had a miscarriage. My hope for YOU is that you’ll read this and see that the comments you receive (or don’t), while often hurtful, are terribly common. I HATE that that’s the case and it’s not an excuse but in reading this, hopefully you’ll see that you’re not alone in feeling like no one understands and no one knows what to say when talking about a miscarriage.
I didn’t tell many people about my first miscarriage and hesitated with the ones I did. My fear was that I’d put them in the awkward position of not knowing what to say. In going through that thought process, it occurred to me that perhaps that is one of the reasons why miscarriages aren’t talked about. We decide that no one will be able to understand our pain so we carry the burden alone.
I’m going to cover things that I found helpful and hurtful as I navigated my miscarriages. If you read something today and think…OH NO! I’VE SAID THAT! Please know that I am certain you said what you truly believed to be helpful or loving at the time. Unless you personally have had a miscarriage, it would be almost impossible to fully grasp what would be helpful vs hurtful and that’s why I’ve written this.
Here we go…
NEVER start a sentence with AT LEAST or THE GOOD NEWS IS. We’re so quick to want to find reasons for what happened, explanations or the “bright side” of a situation. Here’s the thing, in those horribly dark and lonely moments, those kind of statements hurt so much more than help. I am certain that those comments come from a good place but I cannot stress this enough…less is more when it comes to the words you choose. Be there, be willing to listen, hug them if they want and tell them you’re sorry for their loss.
Reframe it. Especially if you’ve not had first hand experience with pregnancy loss, it can help to think of how you’d feel if a loved one passed away. Why? Because that is exactly what happened. It’s easy for us to grasp the concept of a family member or friend that has past away because you’ve likely experienced that. You attach memories and feelings to that person that now feel lost. The same is true with a miscarriage.
I have memories of taking a pregnancy test and the joy I felt in that moment. I talked to my baby, I prayed for him, tracked how big he was getting, I imagined what he’d look like and the future he’d have. Someone who has had a miscarriage lost their child, the dreams they had for that child and the ability to go through a future pregnancy without constant fear. This loss also likely came with extreme physical pain and lasting emotional trauma.
Be available and check in often.
The experience of a miscarriage is unbelievably lonely so just sending a text that says any of the following is lovely…
- Thinking of you
- Love you
- I’m here if you want to talk, vent or cry
- Praying for you today/is there anything specifically I can pray for you?
- Is 6:00 a good time to drop off dinner?
Certain questions can be overwhelming. How are you? How are you feeling? What do you need? Again, they all come from such a kind place but I can remember looking at texts that said those exact words and thinking…I don’t have the energy/time to respond to that or there is no way I can honestly tell them without freaking them out.
If I had responded honestly, the text would have read something like…well, I feel pretty awful. I experienced the death of my child inside me, intense bleeding, clots and painful contractions that I was no where near prepared for. Also, my doctors are being vague and cold. I feel intense waves shame, guilt, grief and anger all while trying to show up and be the kind of mom my 2 year old son deserves. Be honest, would you know how to respond to that? I sure wouldn’t! Instead, I recommend looking back a paragraph for ideas or leading with other questions that offer help or support. For example…
- Would it be helpful if I took your kids/pets to the park for a bit?
- I’m bringing over dinner, any dietary restrictions?
- Are you up for company?
- What time are you up? I’m going to come by with coffee.
- When is your next doctors appointment? Follow with: I’ll be praying for you/I’ll be thinking of you/do you need a ride/do you want company?
Some of this might have been hard to read. But a big reason I decided to start writing about my miscarriages was because I had some amazing women come along side me during my most painful days that truly understood what I was experiencing. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for them. Because of that, I want to do everything I can to make other women feel supported in the same way. If pregnancy loss is part of your story, please know without a doubt that you’ve just made a new friend who would be honored to walk this journey with you.
