Confession time: I was, and sometimes still am, guilty of mom shaming. Here’s the thing, when it comes to other moms, I will be their biggest cheerleader because lets face it, being a mom is HARD! The mom I have been known to judge or shame, is me. I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, second guessing myself and telling myself that I could do better for my son.
I am LITERALLY shaking my head as I’m writing this. It took me a LONG time to find the confidence to trust my instincts and to not allow other people (in my life or on social media) to sway my thoughts.
But holy smokes has it been hard not to compare myself to other moms and think things like…
*Her house is so much cleaner or more organized than mine
*She’s so much more put together than I am
*She’s so much more patient than I am
*She always knows exactly the “right thing” to say to her child
*She cooks healthier food than I do
I would NEVER say those things about ANY OTHER MOM! So why have I been so quick to say them to myself?! If you have ever thought any of the above statements about yourself, please take a moment to accept a virtual hug from me. Now go look at yourself in the mirror, point your pretty finger at yourself and say…I’m an amazing mom!
Part of my judgement as stemmed from my unhealthy comparisons but part of it is from my own unrealistic expectations. We are filled with this indescribable level of love for this tiny person and desperately want to comfort them and sooth them when they cry so when we can’t, it feels like failure. I can vividly remember thinking “I created you, I should be able to comfort you and know EXACTLY what you need at all times”. As if my newborn baby would never use his only means for communication (crying) because as his mother I would magically anticipate every single need. But you know what? As silly as that sounds to me now (3 years later), I TRULY believed it to be true at the time. I believed that if my son cried for more than a few seconds that I was failing at motherhood, failing to meet his needs, failing to make him feel safe or comforted.
It breaks my heart to think that there are other women that have every felt or will feel this way.
Ohhh but it gets worse. On top of feeling overwhelmed, over stimulated, and making unhealthy comparisons, there’s the boundless guilt that comes sweeping in on a regular basis.
If I take time to shower-guilt that I was spending that time with my son. If I fed him formula-guilt/shame that I didn’t produce enough milk on my own. The list goes on and on. Somehow, society has managed to convince us that we should be loving and soaking up EVERY SECOND of motherhood or we aren’t grateful for this gift or we don’t love our baby or we’re being selfish.
I am devastatingly aware of what a miracle and a gift my son is (I’ve had 2 miscarriages that you can read about HERE), I love him unconditionally with every fiber of my being, and am grateful for him every single day. But I cannot care for him in the way he deserves if I’m unhealthy, physically or mentally. It’s taken me a LONG time to say this and honestly I still need the reminder every now and then…wanting to take care of myself is not selfish. I want to be healthy FOR my child and I know you do too.
Oof! That was quite a roller coaster of emotions I just went on to write that. I’ve been wanting to write about mom shaming for a long time because I’ve seen SO many women struggle with it. I can’t keep those nasty feelings from popping up but I can tell you that if guilt or shame have been apart of your mom journey, self inflicted or not, know that you are FAR from alone and I’d be honored to talk to you anytime you need a loving ear. You are loved, you are seen, and I’m proud of you.
Click here if you want to read more about what I’ve learned since becoming a mom 🙂
