I ordered a “big brother” shirt for my son the very day I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant with him quickly and had a normal, healthy pregnancy. Why would this one be any different? It was different. And so was the pregnancy that followed. It never even occurred to me that I might miscarry. I was blissfully unaware just how likely it was. But it happened, twice. So now what? What do I do with the big brother shirt that haunts me from the back of my closet? What do I do with the baby crib that has sat empty for over a year? This is just one reason why it’s so hard to move forward after a miscarriage.
The Crib
I found myself staring at that empty crib recently. To anyone else, it doesn’t look empty. It’s housing mountains of blankets and stuffed animals. But to me, empty. But what do I do with it? I can’t just get rid of it of give it away. Because it doesn’t just hold blankets and toys. It holds memories of my past and dreams for my future. Dreams that have been stolen from me and yet still find their way into my thoughts.
The Clothes
How do you know when it’s time? Time to give away all the tiny clothes and tiny shoes. I have the extra special ones boxed up so they can become a memory filled blanket someday. But what about the rest of them? The first tiny pair of shoes my son ever wore. The Mickey Mouse hat that he wore in one of my favorite pictures of him. That dang big brother shirt. So many questions race through my mind every time I think about it:
Who do you give them to?
Will they understand how special these items are?
Will they know the memories that they hold? Will they care?
Will they care that I’m only able to give them away because I lost my baby?
Will they ever think about the dreams I had for them?
Dreams that I’m reminded of every time I push those tiny shoes further back into the closet. Dreams of framing a side by side picture of my son and my loss baby in the same Mickey Mouse hat. It’s not as if you can say all those things to someone as you hand them a bag full of clothes. So how do you move forward after a miscarriage?
If these scenarios keep popping up. If these physical reminders are constantly breaking your heart, how do you?
I Don’t Have The Answer
My biggest prayer throughout my miscarriages was for peace. And I know the very moment it washed over me. So yes, I do have peace with what has happened but I still face heartbreak often. I still face questions I don’t know how to answer. I pray that if you’re like me, and still left with questions unanswered, you feel a little less alone. I’m proud of you.
