I don’t believe anyone can adequately prepare you for what you’ll experience physically or emotionally during a miscarriage. After having two, each very different from the other, I realized I had NO IDEA what to expect. There are so many emotions that come from this kind of loss. Different women will certainly have different experiences, but in this post you’ll read the five things I learned about having a miscarriage.
If you’re grieving your own loss, I am truly sorry and I hope after reading this, you’ll feel a little less alone than you do right now. If you know someone who is having/has had a miscarriage, I hope you’ll have a slight glimpse into the journey they might be on.
Just a heads up, things are going to get a bit graphic so turn back now if you’re not ready for details. Please know that I do not share these details to make you uncomfortable and DEFINITELY NOT TO NORMALIZE because there is nothing normal about this. I share my story to raise awareness and to help women feel less alone. Here we go…
1. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY
My first loss was very early. I found out I was pregnant and that I was having a miscarriage within the span of 3 days. It happened so quickly. Because it was so early, what I experienced physically could be compared to a VERY heavy period. Emotionally, it was so overwhelming to find out I was pregnant, to feel that rush of joy and then to have it taken away so quickly.
I remember with both losses, saying…why couldn’t I have just not gotten pregnant? If I wasn’t meant to bring this child into the world, then why was I allowed to find out about them and to love them if they would just be taken from me? I’ve since found peace and purpose in my losses but that’s a story for another time.
With my second miscarriage, things were VERY different. I took several at home tests that all said I was pregnant. At eight weeks I took a test at the doctors office that confirmed I was pregnant as well. At ten weeks I went in for my first ultrasound. “I’m not getting a heartbeat”, those are the words that will stay with me forever.
I was told that MAYBE I wasn’t as far along as I thought and to come back in a week for another ultrasound. I was also told that in the meantime, I MIGHT experience cramping and/or bleeding and to call if it was more than I would normally experience during my cycle.
Talk about being sent away unprepared
I left the doctors office on a Tuesday. That Saturday, while preparing a meal for 11 people who were on their way to my home, I suddenly felt intense pain in my abdomen. The pain so severe that I had to walk up to my room doubled over.
Over the next several hours and then again the next day, I did not experience the “cramps” that I was warned about. I experienced full on labor contractions. The same contractions I felt when I brought my son into the world but this time they were followed by VERY large clots of blood. Again, not the “bleeding” I was told might happen. I then continued to bleed for 6 weeks.
Looking back, I was so consumed with pain and confusion that I didn’t even have time to think about what was actually happening. In the days/weeks that followed I felt such intense feelings of sadness, anger and guilt. I remember saying things like…my body failed, I failed my baby, what did I do wrong, what didn’t I do right and why me. Experiencing the death of my baby inside of my body was something that I couldn’t have been prepared for. But, there was an extra level of trauma that came from being completely blindsided by what I went through.
2. HOW TO GRIEVE WHILE STILL CARING FOR MY SON
On one hand, the moments of deep pain came (and still come) in giant waves. In those moments, I wanted to give up on being a functioning adult, crawl into bed, cry and scream. And while that did happen at times and needed to happen for the sake of processing my grief, I still needed to be there for my son. Having my two year old ray of sunshine around allowed me to find moments of joy in his smiles, laughter and snuggles. And in my desire to be the kind of mom that my little guy deserves, I found the strength to get up each morning and move through the day.
I can remember intense moments of guilt in the beginning, including guilt over being/looking happy. While I can acknowledge now that it wasn’t the healthiest of emotions to experience, it was there nonetheless. Being able to look at my son and marvel at the absolute miracle that he is, brought a light to my darkest days that was completely guilt free.
3. HOW IT WOULD FEEL WHEN THE BLEEDING STOPPED
For six weeks my body gave me a constant reminder of what had happened. For six weeks I bled. For six weeks I had to have blood drawn and then spoke to a doctor about the results the next day. Reminder after reminder for six weeks. I thought THAT was hard. Then the bleeding stopped, the blood draws stopped, the doctor calls stopped. My body and the people around me had moved on while I was still deeply hurting. It was such an odd feeling. I was grasping for my body and the world around me to slow down because I hadn’t caught up yet.
4. HOW INSENSITIVE PEOPLE WOULD BE
I said it before but I’ll say it again, I am not here to NORMALIZE this. I’m here to raise awareness. I want us to better understand and support the women in our lives who experience miscarriages. MAYBE if more people knew how common miscarriages were MAYBE they wouldn’t say things like…
-He needs a sibling
-At least you have one
-The good news is
-At least
-When are you going to have more kids
I heard every single one of these and several were from doctors.
5. HOW LONELY IT WOULD BE
The percentage of women that experience a miscarriage is heartbreaking. Knowing the statistics, there are likely a lot more women in my life who went down this road before me. Since miscarriages aren’t something that most talk about it, I really only knew of a few. While I am FOREVER grateful for those women who supported me and shared their experiences with me, it can feel as though the pain is just so specific to you. There are so many factors that can contribute to what you experience physically. In one group of women, each one could experience something different.
It becomes so easy to feel like you’re all alone and like no one understands how you feel. I can remember feeling like I would make people uncomfortable if I told them how I REALLY felt. Maybe they’d think I was crazy if they knew the thoughts that were spinning around in my mind. Even now, when I want so badly for women to feel less lonely and more supported, it can be unbearably difficult to be open about what I’m feeling and how often I’m feeling it.
“you have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved”
The quote above was one that I found on a picture while Christmas shopping. It was sitting all alone in the back of a clothing store clearance section. Not exactly where I’d expect to find something that would speak directly to my soul but there it was. It now lives in my home where I look at it daily. It reminds me of how important it is to support one another during such a uncertain time. If you or someone you know has had or is having a miscarriage, please see this as an open invitation to message me anytime. I’d be honored to support you and the ones you love.
If you or someone you know is struggling with what to say and do after someone has a miscarriage, click here. I wrote a post about some of the most helpful things people said and did during my miscarriages. I’m proud of you.
