Should you sleep train your new baby? Is co-sleeping safe? I had the same questions. As new moms, we’re flooded with information about what we HAVE to get and HAVE to do. Here’s the problem, often times that information is coming from places that make a TON of money off of that narrative. Babies are a huge money maker! Many businesses are happy to sell you all kinds of nonsense that you don’t need.
Heads up, I do not have all the answers and I am not a sleep specialist. What I am is a first time mom who struggled with feeling like something was wrong with me or my son because of the information that I was being inundated about his sleep. In this post, I’m going to breakdown the sleep struggles we had, the sleep training course we tried, and what I ultimately came to discover that’s given me peace and understanding when it comes to newborn and infant sleep.
My baby won’t sleep on his back
Babies want to be swaddled they said. Babies HAVE to sleep on their back they said. Yeah, not my baby. He HATED being swaddled! He’s almost two now and still doesn’t even like a light blanket over him. And sleeping on his back? Alone? In a crib? Hilarious. I think the longest stretch he ever slept in those conditions was 20 minutes. And that was a miracle.
And then there was the whole…eat, play, sleep thing. That is apparently how you “should” structure awake windows. I don’t know about you, but while my son is dang brilliant (she said humbly), he’s yet to read any kind of pamphlet on how he should function when awake or in what order eating and playing should be in. He eats when he’s hungry (just like you and I). He sleeps when he’s tired (also, just like you and I). It’s almost as if he’s a human…just like you and I! That’s right, babies are not mythical creatures! It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that but here we are. They’re tiny humans with hunger cues, sleep cues, wants, and preferences. JUST LIKE YOU AND I.
Once I started to view my son in this way instead of trying to fit him into a box as if he was exactly like every other child on the planet, things became much simpler. One tip I did find incredibly helpful was learning what sleepy cues look like. This helped me to know when to start helping him sleep so that he didn’t get over tired. An over tired baby is about as fun as a hungry one.
Okay, I’ll try a sleep training program
When my son was 16 months old and still wasn’t sleeping through the night, I thought I was failing as a mother. “If I have him do this very popular sleep training program, then he’ll sleep through the night and get a great nights sleep every night. Otherwise, I’m basically robbing him of that chance by not teaching him to self soothe and self regulate.” Those were actual thoughts I had. I quickly changed my tune after some pretty big realizations.
For starters, my son was waking because he was hungry, had a wet diaper, or wanted to be close to me. Can you sleep if you’re hungry? Could you fall back asleep if you woke up wet? Do you like to feel the comfort of a loved one while you sleep? Why in the world did I have higher expectations for my 16 month old son to stay asleep than myself? But alas, I didn’t have these realizations before spending several hundred dollars on this very popular program.
I went through the whole thing first to see how it worked and CRIED THE WHOLE TIME. I stressed myself out so much about it that I woke up with a stye in my eye the next morning. Being told not to comfort my son when he’s crying, not to hold him when he’s reaching for me because he’ll learn to self soothe broke my heart. As an adult, if I’m upset, there is nothing wrong with my husband comforting me so why is it wrong for a mother to comfort her child? I knew in my soul that sleep training wasn’t for me. It felt so wrong and scary and broke my heart to not be what my son needed. So, I didn’t do it. I continued to co-sleep with him and decided to spend some time diving into other options.
Finally! Peace with his sleep!
I stumbled upon an Instagram account that was all about attachment focused sleep and what they referred to as “baby led sleep”. The account is for a company called Isla Grace Sleep and it’s incredible. Following that account led to others that were similar and before I knew it I was finally being fed information about sleep that was comforting and peaceful instead of heartbreaking and unnatural. I learned…
- sleep is a biological function, not a skill to be taught
- there are many benefits to a baby waking every few hours throughout the night such as: built in protection against SIDS and helping maintain milk supply if nursing
- helping your baby fall asleep is NOT A BAD HABIT! Babies don’t have the ability to self soothe. The more we help our babies fall asleep, the more they learn that sleep is a safe and comforting space
- super strict sleep schedules are garbage. Babies are not robots! What they are, are constantly growing and developing so to have a strict nap schedule or bedtime is an unrealistic expectation
And probably the most important thing, MY INSTINCTS MATTER! I felt so guilty for not wanting to sleep train. I felt like I was doing things “wrong” all the time. But in learning about attachment parenting and in following all these other amazing women who felt just like I did, I learned that that going with my gut, holding my son while he napped, and co-sleeping were all biologically normal!
Now, before I get slammed with comments or messages about how great sleep training is…I am not against you doing what you think is best for you or your child. I am against anyone feeling like they have to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. I hope you take comfort in knowing you’re not alone, that everything you’re feeling is normal and that you have a new mom friend in me. I’m proud of you.
If you want to learn more about what I’ve learned since becoming a mom, click here. Lets learn together.
