I’m just going to say it, I don’t agree with normalizing miscarriages. Miscarriages are painful and emotionally devastating experiences that leave a lasting impact on the lives of those who go through them. Often times they result in feelings of shame, confusion, guilt and isolation. While there has been a growing movement to normalize miscarriages, I think it’s important to recognize that there is nothing “normal” about losing a child.
However, what we should strive for is to normalize open conversations about miscarriages and educating one another on the topic. If we take remove some of the unknown around miscarriages, we can create a supportive space where those experiencing a miscarriage can find support and healing.
The Pain of Miscarriage
Losing a child through miscarriage is a deeply personal and heartbreaking experience. The emotional toll it takes cannot be understated. I didn’t just mourn the loss of my child but also the dreams and hopes I had for their future. The physical pain is matched only by the deep level of confusion and isolation that miscarriage brings. Miscarriages are common but they are far from being “normal”, and treating them as such can diminish the gravity of the pain that women and couples experience.
Normalizing Conversations
Instead of normalizing miscarriages, I prefer the idea of normalizing conversations about them. At times, I felt overwhelmed at the thought of sharing my feelings with others after my miscarriages. I remember feeling nervous to tell people because I didn’t want to make the conversation awkward. I worried if it would make them feel uncomfortable hearing me talk about something so foreign to them. Would they know what to say? Are they going to say unknowingly something insensitive? The pain is unlike any other and it was easier to tell myself that no one would understand anyway.
Looking back, I wish I could have told my friends and family what kinds of things were helpful, hurtful and what I wished more people understood. Maybe, if I had been more honest, I wouldn’t have carried so much of the pain on my own. And maybe more people would be out in the world ready to support and love the next woman in their life that has a miscarriage.
Allowing for Empathy and Understanding
Normalizing conversations around miscarriages opens the door for creating empathy and understanding. It was foolish of me to think that I was doing anyone any favors by not talking about my miscarriages. It’s been over a year since my last and obviously I’m getting better at talking (or at least writing) about them, but it’s still deeply painful. What I hold onto as I push myself to have these conversations is the knowledge that EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve spoken up about what I experienced, I’ve been able to either educate or support someone. If we’re willing to educate one another on the topic then more women get the support they desperately need. And if support one another, we’ll all feel a little less alone.
If you want to read more about my journey with miscarriages, click here. I’d be honored.
